Hoy in Spanish means today.
It was almost the last Friday at work, and I was finishing my day, but then I noticed a schedule for an end-of-the-month massage. When I saw a free slot, my shoulders shouted, “Sign in!” and there I was, walking towards the massage room.
I opened the door, and a familiar face from Tinder was staring at me, and I was out of words. This massage guy sent me a super like yesterday, which included a message. Now, here we were: me and the left side of Tinder.
- Please fill out the information paper and mark where you are feeling pain right now with crosses.
I wanted to cross my brains but settled with my upper back.
- You can now lie down. May I take off your bras?
- Yeah, sure.
The massage was performed in silence. I didn’t know what to chit-chat about, and surely he didn’t know that either. Still, I enjoyed it.
- Can I put the bras back again?
- Yes, please. Thank you.
- The invoice will come in an email later on.
- Okay, thank you.
I grabbed my stuff as fast as you do after someone had taken off your bra, and I closed the door. In the hallway, the school’s principal was walking to her massage session.
- How was the massage?
- It was lovely.
Later on that day, an email came. It was the invoice, and it also included a private message. At that moment, I felt that the city had begun to be too small, and I promised myself that I wouldn’t return to any dating app for a year. I needed an instant departure from the dark side of dating.
Casa Animales
The end of the academic year 2023-2024 was finally here, and I didn’t plan to be sleeping on a camping bed next to the cow’s skin in my BFF’s Casa Animales. The dinner was eating leftover pizza and drinking the cheapest beer on the terrace with a view of garbage bins, but my daughter had her 18th birthday party, and I was kicked out from home.
I needed that sleepover with my friend because I was offered three new teaching positions, and playing Russian roulette without a support friend was dead serious.
Good decisions were made that night based on raising the fattest exploring budget for the next adventures in the Azores and the Faroe Islands. Hiking trips will patch things back together if I’m a leaking human mess after the academic year of 2024-2025.
Smooth criminal
When the hiking trip’s departure time arrived, I danced my way to Thurso, a Northern town on mainland Great Britain.
My red Converses were tap dancing without any problems to the first hostel to start my journey to the final destination, Isle of Hoy, Orkney.
Before laying my head on the pillow after travelling for 12 hours, I needed to check the two places where I could buy the essential part of my hiking: the gas bottle. I knew everything was closed, but it felt like an excellent plan to check it before the ferry leaves in the morning.
The first place didn´t look promising, and I started worrying. The second place looked precisely where I needed to go, and I saw a gas bottle on the window. What a relief, but holy shit, it is not open tomorrow! There was only glass between me and the holy grail of hiking, and my mind was creating evil ideas. I needed a pint of beer to think this over, so I walked like a smooth criminal to the nearest pub.
- You look like you need a beer.
- No shit Sherlock. What else can you tell me what I need?
- We need an icebreaker here, but let´s start with a Wave Breaker, Orkney´s local beer. A pint for the lady?
- You´re such a smooth talker. Yes, a pint, please.
The bartender was a good talker. I forgot my mission to get the gas bottle, and the effects of beer and his company made things smoother. I started to be more hungry than worried about the hiking.
- I see you finished your pint. Care to have another one and more laughs with me?
- I´d love to, but I´m hungry now. There was a nice fish and chips place nearby. Is it any good?
- Why don´t we do this? You go and take your fish and chips, and I´ll pour another beer. Then enjoy the gourmet meal here.
- Well, I can´t say no to that. I follow the plan.
When I returned, there was a nicely settled candle, napkin, fork, knife, and a pint of beer. There were no other customers, so he was my dinner date.
After receiving food, my brain started to work, and I shared my troubles with the gas bottle. Then, a miracle happened. The bartender knew a guy who knew a guy, and at the end of my second pint, the store owner came to the pub and handed me the gas bottle. To celebrate this event, the bartender poured us beers. The happiness and the third beer made my start of the journey even more successful than I could ever have imagined.
Holy shit!
I have arrived in paradise. Hoy, the isle of Orkney, is a mysterious, rough, green heaven, and the Scottish weather was giving its best: thick fog, heavy rain, cruel wind and burning sunshine, and all can happen within one hour. The weather was as unpredictable as my mindset, and I felt at home.
On the first day, I planned to hike near St. John´s Head, set the tent there, and continue to the Green Heads the following days. Then, I cross the Hoy and arrive on the road, which will take me back to the ferry. It´d take approximately four days, and I wished to hike more, but nothing seemed to move on Sunday in northern Scotland to return to Edinburgh to catch the flight.
Climbing up to the starting point was a quick reminder of how it would be from that day on, but me being a smart hiker, the plan didn´t include too many similar mental and physical tests.
At the top of the hill, I saw an incredible cliff where my imagination was already setting up the tent. It wasn´t part of the plan, but going off track was my signature move. Obviously, I hadn´t learned anything from the previous hikes, and I was now changing the course to the cliff to enjoy the sunset of a lifetime.
Dear god. The Scottish SpongeBob was sucking every step of mine, and getting my foot from its grip was extreme, but I was determined to reach my goal.
I was tired, and there was still a way to go, but I heard something odd. I looked down, left and right, but I didn´t see the source of the sound. Then the shit got me.
Giant brown hornets, loaded with ammunition, were attacking me from the sky! They were diving to reach my head with their claws, and I was shit scared. I didn´t have time to count how many there were because I was experiencing a Hitchcock movie, but this time, the Great Skuas were acting in the leading role, not the crows.
I was escaping towards the cliff, and seagulls joined the party! It took me a while to understand that the seagulls were attacking the Great Skuas. The ice cream catchers saved me, and I joined spiritually in the great battle of the cliffs. I was done. Totally.
After the shock, I needed to find a place for the tent but stay near the cliff to avoid the attacks. I found a reasonable spot next to the stream, and I could finally wash the bird shit icing off me. First, I needed to set up the tent.
The tent was nicely getting ready, and I just needed to put the final tent pegs so the wind would not be a problem. But even though I tried and tried with or without the magic, the bag was empty. I looked around to see if I´d drop them, but nothing was left. Now, I needed to do real magic and set up the tent with only four pegs.
When rolling the big rocks to keep my tent stable, with the smell of rotten fish in my hair, I pondered where the missing tent pegs might be and who would go on a hiking trip without checking the gear. After the guilt trip, I felt some sort of contentment when I looked at the impressive polygonal art piece called The Tent. It was up enough for the night, and I finally could start washing the bird shit.
I shivered inside the tent with wet hair and immediately started preparing the hiking stove. The approaching moment of joy, having something warm to drink, and feeling the heat from the famous gas bottle made me forget all the unfortunate incidents. Cold fingers set the bottle on the burner like under the palms, but something wasn´t right. I tried and tried, but the gas bottle didn´t click and set. I looked at it and noticed that the hole was bigger than usual. I kept on dreaming that it would click, but no. Then, the frustration came out verbally in the form of PERKELE, and the gas bottle flew outside the tent, hoping to explode the whole population of Great Skuas or at least hit one, but there was no sound of destruction. Only my shivering presence and the harsh wind surrounded me. The solution was to drink half of the whiskey bottle and then curl inside the sleeping bag to think.
I had only five energy bars, unboiled water from the stream, and whiskey. That didn´t sound like a picnic basket from The Famous Five’s menu, but I needed to hike for four days. Could I survive with this menu, or should I go back? No. Going back was not an option. I decided to do it one day at a time or even step by step. The fake warmth from the whiskey was finally making its magic, and I wanted to think one positive thing and try to sleep with that thought. I came up with the idea that at least I was near the stream, so it´s easy to wash if I get diarrhoea from being unable to boil the water. Lucky me.
Man of St.Andrews
After a good night of staying awake, it was time to move forward. I planned to stay close to the cliff to avoid a second battle with Great Skuas and find myway back to the original hiking route. I felt yesterday’s hike, and my mood wasn´t at its best, but I kept focusing on the moment with every step. I decided to stay here and not worry about the following days, and my stomach permitted me to keep drinking the water; after all, no sheep were shitting the water, just my flying enemies.
When I saw St. John´s Head and the whole coastline of Hoy, I felt like I had witnessed a miracle of nature. Its beauty touched me so deeply that it hurt, and I cried. At that moment, I was happy and grateful to be there. I don´t know how long I stared and inhaled being present there, but I knew I didn´t want to leave.
Suddenly and uninvited, I remembered that I had shared this kind of moment before with someone. The man of St. Andrews also knew how to appreciate what I saw, and the feeling of loneliness had a visit. Right then, I also remembered that this educated man, almost like a scholar, if you ask his thoughts, sent me an email in which he threatened to sue me if I didn´t erase my stories.
It’s funny how his actions were like the white trash people usually do when they get surprised after putting their heads in the microwave and wondering why an accident happened due to their actions. His knowledge wasn´t enough to understand the manual of life, so it was better to blame everyone else than himself.
I smiled a bit and didn´t appreciate his present anymore. It gave me such sweet nothing, like my energy bars in the backpack, and it was time to move forward, step by step and make a plan.
Out of breath
When I reached the Old Man of Hoy, my plan was ready. I remembered an outdoor centre somewhere on the island, and they might have a gas bottle. If they have it, I could continue hiking and do some McGyver moves with the tent. I hoped there was enough signal to check it from the phone, but it gave me just one bar. Sometimes, one is enough, and this time it indeed was. The outdoor centre was half a day of hiking away, and it was better to make a call in the middle of somewhere in Hoy.
- Hoy Outdoor Center, how may I help you?
- Hi! This is Pinja. I have a question. Do you have a gas bottle there?
- Unfortunately no.
- Ou, that´s not good news. I´m hiking here, and I can´t use the one I have. I’m trying to figure out what to do.
- Well, then I can share the location of an unmarked bothy with you. Where are you right now?
- I just passed the Old Man of Hoy and followed the coastline.
- Keep walking the coastline; after a couple of hours, you´ll see a place that takes your breath away. There´s a bothy right there with firewood, kettles and pans. You can cook food there.
She was correct; when I saw the scenery, it took my breath away. There was a bothy that looked like a stone cottage from the Lord of the Rings. I wanted to run the hill down like in Sound of Music, but with my luck, I would roll it down so that the last four tent pegs would disappear.
I didn´t know what awaited me, so I opened the door gently. I saw the stove and firewood next to it. There was a good set of kettles and pans, books to read and, in the middle of the table…a gas bottle. I lifted and shook it to know if any gas was left, and I heard a promising sound. Enough for tonight, or maybe more?
It was the best cup of coffee I might ever taste again—so many emotions in one sip that only the surroundings gave justice to witness me drinking it. I didn´t worry because I had reached the best moment in my life so far. There were happy thoughts, just happy thoughts about how I got to this point—moving forward, step by step and being present at the moment because O-Hoy, the time is now!
P.S
I wrote my contacts in the bothy´s guestbook for single hikers. It isn´t an app.
And the atmosphere is charged.
Róisin Murphy
In me I trust.
And I feel no fear as I
Do as I must.
Let me tell you a story 
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