Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?

Eurythmics

I had a dream a couple of nights ago where I was holding the life before tightly in my arms and inhaling him like moms inhale their babies’ unique scent, knowing that it would disappear one day permanently. The essence coming from him was like I remembered, a mixture of passion, arousal, fear, suicidal hopes and dreams: toxic perfume. Something that you wouldn’t like your partner to smell like. 

My 15-minute moment

I trained to remember dreams in my teenage years. Back then, I was interested in learning more about how the mind works and how to reach the subconscious. I borrowed many psychology books, and my teenage brain was astounded by the explanations for why we see dreams. 

Dreams are used to regulate emotions, like dealing with fears, consolidating memory, replaying things from your day to help remember them, and solving or, on the other hand, forgetting real-world problems. Another theory suggests they help the brain predict its future states. These theories are offered, but the core questions about why we see dreams remain unanswered. 

I have always had vivid dreams, and I start my days with a 15-minute moment in bed to ponder what I dreamt of. These dreams sometimes entertain people around me when I tell them about my adventures as an elephant with severe skin problems helped by other elephants, a dream when I was a serial killer seeking the voice “make a U-turn if possible” in Google Maps, and many different dreams that could be the next hit movie on Netflix.

Have I made decisions based on dreams? Yes, I have, but only once, and that decision permanently changed my life. 

The beginning of the stories

I was nervous but excited. I was performing on a stage in a sold-out concert hall with my jazz band. The fear of failure is there, but I feel grounded and connected to being me, and the music coming out in the air is putting sound to my inner feelings in all its colours and shadows. My passionate sounds arouse the concert hall and mourn my feelings of sadness. They can only stand up after the play and show respect for how open I was with my expression. I felt grateful that I was listened to. 

I woke up in the morning with tears, and I knew exactly what I needed to do: continue what I was doing before becoming a wife and the owner of a family business. 

I took my daughter to a student house, ended the marriage after countless threads about what would happen if I started studying again, sold my shares in a business worth 1.3 million €, and swapped that for continuing my jazz violin studies. 

I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody’s looking for something.

Eurythmics

What did I get for the return? Stories. Stories of living months in a touring bus full of smelly leather pants across Europe, sleeping under a bridge in Paris, missing passport at the airport of Delhi, having a magic muffin accidentally in a pocket when arriving in Canada, knowing what dishwashing liquid can do your hair, engine fire in Brazil and how males can pee when you need to move with four legs. 

My breakfast contained only red wine or luxuries from Michelin-star restaurants, days without money, or living like a queen. I have performed twice in stadiums and venues that can be recognised as the best. I have also performed on a floating raft in a swimming pool, sitting on a horse, in television programs, and in hospitals where people are there for hospice care and making their last wishes for music. 

It hasn’t been a bad deal, and the new stories keep coming faster than I can live them. 

Another theory suggests they help the brain predict its future states. Have my dreams done that? Yes, they have, but only in love.

The men in my dreams

I was sixteen when I made the classic Finnish midsummer spell. During the midsummer evening, I collected seven flowers and put them under my pillow. The following night, I had a dream about three men. 

With the first one, I walked towards the altar and felt I was with my best friend. That was true. My first boyfriend was my best friend. We did everything together and even established a band, “Duo Divorcio” when we broke up. Unfortunately, my beloved guitar hero from the famous punk band was more in love with alcohol than me, and I think that the guitar was even ranked higher. Eventually, he pawned the guitar to drink more, and I needed to leave him to sink to the bottom of the bottle. 

In the dream, I was at the altar with the second man, saying “I do” to each other. He felt short in every possible way. I have never dated a man under 6.2 feet. I like them to be giants, but I’ve understood my need to find a mentally strong man, and the size has tried to replace the quality with no success. Being short in the dream meant the length of the relationship, and he was teeny tiny in other possible ways. 

The third man in my dream talked about renovating the sauna at the after-party with my stepdad. He felt like a family member, but more with my parents than me. Again, very accurately. My ex-husband did precisely that. He was part of the family business but wasn’t a family member with me and our daughter. 

Ismo Leikola

After the divorce, I needed to do the midsummer spell again. This time, I was going on a date with a man who lived in Tampere. He was under 6.2 feet and a bit chubby, but I was okay with the idea because he made me laugh a lot. I also knew the guy. He was Ismo Leikola, the Finnish stand-up comedian. 

When I opened Tinder after years of seeing this dream and regularly sorting faces left and right, one face made me stop. It was Ismo Leikola. I checked his profile and read the last sentence: “I make you come hard…with laughter.” He certainly did that to me!

Some of them want to use you
some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
some of them want to be abused

Eurythmics

The nightmare

Was my next boyfriend Ismo Leikola? No. The next one didn’t make me laugh. He made me cry hard, and I still can smell his toxic perfume on my sheets. Was he under 6.2 feet? No, he was taller than that but so short-sighted that he kept falling into every obstacle of personal growth. Was he chubby? No. His body was like a Greek statue: stunning but cold, hard, and not living.

He wasn’t the man of my dreams, but we need to experience nightmares. They are the brain’s way of focusing a person’s attention on issues that need to be addressed. They probably evolved to help make us anxious about potential dangers. 

I needed this nightmare to keep me on the right track to choose the man of my dreams. He is under 6.2 feet, a bit chubby and makes me come hard…with laughter. 

Exit light
Enter night
Grain of sand
Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We’re off to never-never land, 

Metallic, Enter Sandman