How beautiful it is
that thought you may not wholly know
the purpose of your life,
but you can create one for yourself
I was looking forward to this date a lot. The Summer has been going great, but the presence of my current life companion hasn´t been enough. I could blame my busy schedule or both of our schedules, but that would be an excuse. Honesty, I´ve been avoiding dating because I was still hanging on to the life before. Now, I felt it was time to start something serious or at least to try.
I was testing my date right away. I woke up at 8 a.m. on Saturday and at full speed, putting coffee for both of us while making the full breakfast—Omelette with Chorizo, Parmesan cheese, cherry tomatoes and lots of black pepper and basil. Fridge-cold oranges were peeled and cut nicely on a cup, and self-made warm rolls were toasted crispy. I just needed to add garlic and avocado to the toast with a hint of finger salt and make a cup of lemon tea for both of us, and the breakfast was ready.
I was expecting my date to shout angrily about how annoying it is that I have this energy on Saturday morning and can´t even handle the dishes without a sound, nor letting others sleep longer, but no. The date was enjoying my morning sunshine, humming with the music I put on to make the mood perfect. There were no problems listening to Chet Baker´s voice or grooving with J.J Cale´s After Midnight before noon. I saw my date with eyes that opened my heart.
In A Sentimental Mood
I can see the stars come through my room
While your loving attitude
Is like a flame that light the bloom.
We had planned to go to the Suomelinna to have a picnic. My date didn´t know what a picnic meant to me, and I was afraid to show it, but I couldn´t hide my nature. That was an issue in my life before, my nature. I could not restrain or unleash it in a moment when it was suitable. It was just too much or not enough, but nothing in the middle.
This unleashed spirit was buzzing now around the kitchen. First, I needed to clean it after the breakfast. Then I started to make the snacks for the picnic. Yesterday was also all about the picnic preparation. I made a Sacher cake with self-made Cherry jam, and the pears were marinating in rum. I planned to make profiteroles and fill them with blue cheese and pears—a salty pie with cream cheese, salmon, olives and some chilli.
As a child, I read a lot of Enid Blyton. All those delicious descriptions of their picnic food have been hunting me, and whenever I have a chance to have a picnic, I go overboard. I need to have the same experience.
You can´t have an adventure on an empty stomach.
My date was just enjoying the moment, and why not? A tasty picnic menu was about to be ready, and the Sun shone outside and inside. I, on the other hand, was doubting the date. All this might be too much; I may be too much, but at the same time, I wasn´t fully satisfied because I wanted to make the lemonade from scratch, and the napkins were not matching with the picnic boxes. Instead of keeping this confusion inside, I laughed out loud and told my date, “ I know, this is too much, but I like it. I enjoy making these things, but I can laugh at how ridiculous this is; no worries. Just don´t laugh at me or lose your nerve. Appreciate and enjoy what I want to make for both of us.”
The next part was something that we both enjoyed the most. I needed to look gorgeous, and grooming myself started with having a shower. My date happily participated in this part. Warm water showed all the details on my body, washing away the final barriers between us. It felt safe, a companion of life—the desire for life and to feel love. Suddenly, I remembered someone.
Life before asked me in a highly funky sky bar in Tokyo if I would like to erase something from my past if possible. I pondered it for a while because there were traumatic things in my childhood, but I answered no, I wouldn´t. I believed I needed those things to make me who I am. He responded that to him, there were no problems to erase. Quickly—the first 20 years of his life. I asked how often there’s a moment when he thinks about those things, and the answer was utterly sad—every day.
Now, I have been hoping that I could erase one person from my memories. At this moment, I would be ready to do it quickly because thinking of him gives me pain, just pain. Some days, it is unbearable; some days, it is just a moment I can´t even notice. Still, after all these emotions, I would like to keep the memories. There are two kinds of pain, one that hurts and one that alters.
I felt love with him. It was something unusual and lifelong. I can keep that beautiful memory, and the pain will fade, like my other traumatic things.
After the shower, I looked at myself in the mirror, and my face had a natural blush. I felt beautiful, and the date watched me putting on a Summer dress and said I looked amazing. We were ready for the Suomenlinna, but bubblings were missing from our picnic basket. I wanted to celebrate our date with style, and Burrata sandwiches with pesto and tomatoes needed the sparkling. I planned that to be our starter.
We were sitting on my favourite spot and enjoying swimming, reading a book, and the outstanding menu that I had prepared for the picnic. I was happy, extremely happy, and so relieved that I had survived from a challenging year.
I conquered a new position in my career, and the following year looked promising. I had done everything I wanted and more. Without a toxic relationship, I started to bloom and feel ambitious. On my date, we talked about our plans and The Sun couldn´t shine any brighter on that day.
All good needs to end eventually, so it was time to leave. The endless Summer night was calling our name, and I suggested going to a summer cinema, and we sure did. The date wasn’t tiring at all, and finally, I understood that I had met someone with the same energy. Now I felt a bit embarrassed because why hadn´t I noticed this at all before, and why now? We had our disagreements, time to time, but our conversations about how we felt never ended with an argument.
After the movie, I decided to ask the date to visit my home. I felt love—someone who had always been there next to me and looked like someone I could fall in love with. Today’s company was full of passion, almost always had good ideas, was adventurous, beautiful and could handle the pain from mistakes and past decisions and was not afraid to love and give love.
I finally understood how to love myself. I will have the best date with myself again and again in the future, and when I am ready, I will invite someone to join.
Let me tell you a story 
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